Bellatrix (and Snape's) Sort-Of Worst Nightmare
by Chiara SS
Summary: Being a Dark Lord is tiring; just ask Lord Voldemort. When his minions- erm, followers fail yet another simplistic mission involving Dunkin' Donuts, Voldie feels as though his totally awesome quest for blood purification/world domination is doomed. An old friend convinces him to retire, yes, that sounds wonderful. But who will carry out his work?... An heir! crack!fic. COMPLETE!
1. Author's Note

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

**Disclaimer: **If I wrote that I didn't own anything, that would be a bare-faced lie. Because, technically, I own a lot of things. Honestly! I actually went through most of the story and wrote down everything I own. *shields self from lawyers glare* But I should probably mention, that I don't actually own Harry Potter. OR MAYBE I DO?... Everything from the HP universe belongs to the amazing J.K. Rowling.

I also don't own Dunkin' Donuts, and selloffvacations dot com.

Those belong to... whomever.

I do, however own:

1. The Alligator's Hook.

2. The Big Wand.

3. Jimmy-J, the barkeep.

4. Pam, Jimmy-J's wife.

5. Stephan, the wise old piano playing unicorn.

6. Fluffy, Snape's beloved teddy bear.

7. Sasha, Rudolphus' mistress.

8. Scarlett and Sapphire, Rudolphus' twin daughters.

9. Healer Noelle.

10. Baby Lestrange.

**Other Info: **The fic takes place during Order of the Phoenix, doesn't really matter when. Warning: There is quite a bit of swearing... I guess, so yeah. Be aware of that... am I supposed to tell you that? Um. What else? Oh. I don't have a beta, so if there are any mistakes... I'm sorry.

Anyways... yeah.

Thanks for reading!

ENJOY!


	2. Voldie's Bright Idea

**Bellatrix (and Snape's) Sort-Of Worst Nightmare**

_Chapter 1: _Voldie's Bright Idea**  
**

"Goddammit," he snarled, angrily pounding a fist against the table. Voldie glanced at his pocket watch that had conveniently fallen on top of the table. "Where the _bloody hell _are they? Nagini and I are getting hungry."

The Death Munchers sitting tiredly around the table groaned in agreement, they, too, were starving. It was Bellatrix and Snape's turn to provide snacks for the days meeting, and yet forty-five minutes later they had still not returned from Dunkin' Donuts. It shouldn't've been surprising really, the Death Munchers in general were never on time. Well, for anything really. It was a given, a mere fact of life. Even Voldie himself was rarely ever ready at the precise time he was expected to be. But he was the Dark _freaking _Lord dammit, and so he could do whatever the heck he pleased.

But when Dunkin' Donuts were on the line, thing's could get ugly.

Fast.

They were just _so damn good. _It wasn't even funny.

"Does _anyone_ know?" Voldie asked again, his stomach growling. He sighed. "I ask for one simple freaking task, and does it get done—"

_CRASH. _

"What the—"

_BANG! _

Bellatrix jumped up from the ground, blood and guts all over her robes. She pulled an antler from her hair, and threw it onto the ground. "_A-ha!_" she cried triumphantly, "Finally, I've managed to extract my contact lens from that god forsaken deer. It almost got away, too, if it hadn't been for my swift hunting skills—"

"Shut _up, _Bellatrix," Snape snapped, pulling himself up. "No one cares about your _stupid _contact lens."

"_No one cares about your stupid contact lens,_" Bellatrix mocked. "You shut up, you dumb half-blood." _  
_

Voldie cleared his throat.

Bellatrix and Snape looked to the noise instantaneously. "_What?_" they asked in unison.

"Trixie..." he looked at the pair expectantly, an evil grin crossing his face. "Snapple, my man. Do you have the donuts?"

"The _what_?"

"Idiot," Bellatrix cried, slapping her forehead. "You forgot the donuts."

"That was _your _job!" Snape shouted in outrage.

"I was trying to find my contact lens—"

Voldie shot up from his spot at the head of the table, blood boiling. Fuming, he screamed, "YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU FORGOT THE BLOODY DONUTS! HOW _DARE _YOU FORGET THE DONUTS? They are most important thing of the meeting. We can't even _have _a meeting without the donuts! UGH! Well, everybody give a round of a—freaking—pplause for Trixie and Snapple. The meeting is now cancelled. MEETING ADJOURNED."

_Snap. _And Voldie disappeared without a trace.

"Damn those Death Munchers," he muttered angrily, stepping inside the _Alligator's Hook. _He stepped up to the bar, and took a seat. Stephan, a wise old unicorn was playing the piano (like he normally did), but even his favorite _piano-playing unicorn _wouldn't make him feel better. "Hey, Moldyshorts, my man. How are ya?" cried Jimmy-J, the barkeep.

"I'm not in the mood, Jim," Voldie sighed glumly, not even bothering to look up.

"Why are you down in the dumps, man?" Jim asked.

"It's the minions, ya know?"

"Ah." Jim nodded, knowingly. "What'd they do _this _time?"

"The donuts, Jim," he cried out, "They forgot my Dunkin' Donuts, and I had to cancel the meeting because of it."

"What's a meetin' without donuts!"

"_Exactly,_" Voldie cried.

"You know, Moldy, times've changed," Jim replied, pouring him a drink. "Can't rely on them minions anymore."

Voldie sighed. "You got that right. They used to be good for _something, _but now they're completely useless. Sometimes, I wonder what's the point in havin' 'em if you have to do every single thing yourself."

"I'd join ya, Moldy. But the wifey," Jim shook his head. "You know how she gets."

"How is Pam, anyway?"

Jim shrugged. "Same bitch."

Voldie let out a chuckle. "Drinks to that."

"You know, Molds, you really need a vacation. I was talkin' with Stephan over there, and he's thinkin' of retiring. I want 'em here, you know? Good for business, but I want him to be happy too. Moldy, maybe _you_ should think about that—retiring, that is. You're seventy-somethin' years old, and you ain't gettin' any younger. Tell me, why the hell not?"

"Retire?" Voldie almost burst into laughter. "I can't... no. Jim, there's so much more I have to do before I retire. But..." Voldie sighed, his head collapsing onto the table. "With all of my followers failures within the last few decades, I'm beginning to get discouraged. Maybe you're right... but who will continue while I'm basking in some foreign beach, hey Jim?"

"What're them things called—heirs, right? You find an heir, and problem solved."

"An heir..." Voldie's face erupted into a grin. "Thanks, Jim!"

_Snap. _And he was gone.

Jim sighed. "Forgot to pay. _Again,_" he muttered.

* * *

_Three Days Later_

* * *

"Snapple!" Voldie cried, cheerfully. "Trixie! Thank you for coming to my chambers on such short notice!"

"Look, My Lord," Snape said, apologetically. "If this is about the "donuts" thing three days ago then—"

"It was _all _Snape," Bellatrix butted in.

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"_No!_" Voldie cried, putting his hands in the air. "This is most definitely _not _about the donuts incident—which we will not speak of herein, for the record— this is an announcement I will be telling all of the Death Munchers shortly. But I think you two should be the first to know, for reasons which will be explained soon."

"Ah," said Bellatrix.

"Yes," Voldie nodded. "Firstly, however, I want you two to know that while most of the things you do for me have been failures, there are some things... few things, that have gone right. So thanks for that. And, I also want you two to know that while you have many flaws, I still love you—"

"Aw," Snape gushed, running into Voldie's embrace. "I love you, too."

Voldie cringed, and flicked Snape off of him. "Snape, you _imbecile. _Get off me! Anyways," Voldie continued, wiping the greasy Snape germs off of his robes. "The announcement is that... well, after a conversation with an old friend, I've decided to... retire."

"_Retire?_" Bellatrix cried, gasping. "But who will I gaze lovingly at during meetings? Who will hold meetings? What—no. My Lord, you can't _retire! _What about blood purification? World Domination?"

"That is where you come into play, Trixie my dear."

"_Me?_"

"Yes, _you. _And Snape, too."

"Me too? _What?_" Snape and Bellatrix were completely confuzzled.

"An heir, my friends."

"An heir? But how— no," Bellatrix's eyes widened in horror. "Oh sweet Dementors, no! My Lord, no, please. You can't do this to me!"

Suddenly, Snape caught Voldie's drift and gasped. He, on the other hand, was completely speechless.

"Ah yes, Trixie, Snapple," Voldie replied with an evil grin. "_You two _will provide me with an heir that will carry out my work while I am relaxing on a beach in the Bahamas. I got a great deal with _Sell Off Vacations dot com._"

"I am _not _getting in bed with _her,_" Snape pointed a thin finger at Bellatrix threateningly.

"Well _I _won't be doing that—"

"Oh, don't worry," Voldie said with a shrug. "It's already done. While Snapple was sleeping—with the help of a healer, of course—I extracted his and my own sperm, and implanted it into Bellatrix. If all has gone well, Trixie, you should be pregnant already."

"_Pregnant!_" Bellatrix screeched.

"_My _little swimmers," Snape roared.

"Oh kids, don't get your panties in a twist," Voldie laughed. "Don't _worry _about it! This is a great honor, anyway. You two will be the proud parents of the most-feared child in all of the Wizarding World! _And, _of course, it's already done, so there's not much you can do about it."

_Snap. _

"Oh. My. Wizarding. _God,__" _Bellatrix cried, eyes wide in horror.

_Thump. _

And that's the moment when Snape fainted.

_TBC..._

* * *

**DUN DUN DUN. **


	3. Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

**Bellatrix (and Snape's) Sort-Of Worst Nightmare**

_Chapter 2: _Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

_"_Pregnant!_" Bellatrix screeched. _

_"_My _little swimmers," Snape roared. _

_"Oh kids, don't get your panties in a twist," Voldie laughed. "Don't _worry _about it! This is a great honor, anyway. You two will be the proud parents of the most-feared child in all of the Wizarding World! _And, _of course, it's already done, so there's not much you can do about it." _

Snap.

_"Oh. My. Wizarding. _God,_" Bellatrix cried, eyes wide in horror. _

Thump.

_And that's the moment when Snape fainted. _

Bellatrix looked down at Snape's unconscious figure. _Men, _she thought with the roll of her eyes. _So squirmish. Such drama queens. Why does it not surprise me that he'd faint like a little pansy? _She forced a sigh. "Snape, you _fool, _get up!" she hissed loudly, crouching down to his greasy ears. He stirred, writhing on the floor, but didn't open his eyes. "Oh Snapple!" she cried out in a sing-song voice.

Suddenly his eyes jolted open, and he let out an ear-piercing shriek. He jumped up faster than you could _The Evil Dark Lord Voldemort, _wand at the ready.

Bellatrix rolled her eyes, disarming him with the flick of her wand, "Calm down."

"CALM DOWN?" he shrieked. "You want me to _calm down? _I get it, you're a woman. But how in Merlin's beard am I supposed to calm down knowing that the Dark Lord _stole _my little swimmers from me? While I was sleeping nonetheless. Huh? How?" he shuddered. "How am I supposed to _sleep _knowing that."

"_You're _not the one whose _pregnant, _Snape," Bellatrix yelled back.

Snape thought about it for a moment. "True. But _still._"

"Ugh. You're impossible."

"Impossible? At least I'm not a psychopath."

Bellatrix gasped. "I thought we agreed not to use the "S"... er, the "P" word."

"Psychopath, psychopath, psychopath," he grinned, prancing around the room like a fairy. Or Edward Cullen. (Which is arguably the same thing.)

"Stop it, Snape," she pouted, lip quivering.

"Psychopath!" he sang back.

"SNAPE YOU GODDAMN BASTARD, STOP THAT FOOLISHNESS THIS INSTANT. OR I'LL—I'LL, I'LL KILL FLUFFY!"

Snape gasped. "You wouldn't!"

"You'd better believe it, Snape," she growled.

"But, Bellatrix!" he cried, tears pouring rapidly down his cheeks. "What has my poor-little Fluffy ever done to you! He's just an innocent little teddy-bear, Bellatrix. He's never done anything wrong in his entire life_._"

"Yeah? Well, I don't show mercy, Snape. You should know that by now."

"_Please._"

"Then you _better _shut up, you moron."

Snape put his hands up in defeat. He sighed, and sat at the edge of Voldie's—extremely comfortable—four-post bed. "Fine, fine. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Bellatrix. Forgive me. Nonetheless, it still doesn't change that fact that you're _still_ pregnant—Merlin's beard, Bellatrix I don't even _like_ children. I have to work with them every single day of my miserable _freaking_ life. I know what they're like. I don't need one at home waiting for me."

"And you think _I _do!" Bellatrix cried, waving her hands wildly. "There's a reason Narcissa and Andromeda are the one's with kids. I _hate _them. _And, _Snape, I'm not too crazy about raising a child, let alone one with a half-blood like you... no offense."

Snape shrugged. "The feelings are mutual, Bellatrix."

"_Hey,_" she snapped. "I am beautifully pure-blooded thank you very much."

"I know—"

"And don't you forget it."

"I just mean I wouldn't want to raise a kid with you either."

"Oh," she nodded in understanding. "Ugh. Merlin's Beard, Snape, what the _bloody hell _are we going to do?"

"Good Wizarding God, we sound like teenagers," Snape cried.

"Tell me about it!"

"You could have a—you know..."

"_What? _An abortion. And have the Dark Lord Avada me? I don't think so."

"Then what, Bellatrix? Neither of us want kids."

"Well," Bellatrix sighed. "I don't think we have much of a choice in the matter."

"When do we ever?"

Bellatrix began pacing the room. It was a real moral dilemma for her. Bellatrix really didn't want a child— anyone who knew her well enough knew that about her. She had even successfully gotten out of producing an heir with Rudolphus much to the disapproval and dismay of her parents and family. She remembered the day he told her he didn't want kids, oh how she'd been so overjoyed. Not that that had stopped him from having children with other women... but that was nether here nor there. But now, here _she_ was, supposedly carrying the heir of the Dark Lord.

Let's just say, Bellatrix was content with being an aunt and nothing more.

On the other hand, however, she wasn't ready to die. There was still so much more she wanted from the world. Dying would only stop her plans.

Suddenly, Snape gasped.

She spun around. "What?"

He looked up at her with wide eyes. "Umbridge," he whispered.

"What about the old hag?"

"She's my _girlfriend_, Bellatrix. I thought you knew that, already."

"_Girlfriend? __You're _dating that evil pink bitch! I thought that was just some stupid rumor she'd started for shits and giggles. Even My Lord didn't believe that it was the truth. Please, Snape," her face breaking out into a grin. "You're kidding, right?"

"No," Snape sighed, suddenly looking at the carpet as though it were the most interesting thing in the world. "It's true. We've been dating for six months now."

Bellatrix burst into laughter. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Shut up," he grumbled.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OH!" she cried, wiping the hysterical tears from her eyes. "Snape, you _kill_ me."

"What about Rudolphus, huh? What's he gonna say?" he snapped.

Bellatrix shrugged. "Meh. He won't care."

"He won't care that his _wife _is having a baby with another—two other—men."

Bellatrix shook her head. "Nope... it's a long story. The only person who has to worry is you, Snape. Umbridge is going to _kill _you."


	4. Telling the Others

**Bellatrix (and Snape's) Sort-Of Worst Nightmare**

_Chapter 3: _Telling the "Others"

* * *

_At Lestrange Manor_

* * *

"_Misty,_" Bellatrix barked. "Fetch me some pickles and strawberry sauce."

The small elf nodded, then curtsied. "Yes, Mistress Bella."

Rudolphus scrunched up his nose, and pushed his plate of scrambled eggs and toast forward. _Ugh, I'm not even that hungry anymore. So much for a nice breakfast, _he thought to himself. "Ugh, Bellatrix, _ew._ That's utterly disgusting. What's gotten into you lately?"

She shrugged. "You're not going to finish that, are you?" she asked with her mouth full, pointing to the plate of food.

"Not anymore," he replied, zapping the plate beside her. "Here."

"Thanks," she responded, shoveling the food greedily into her mouth.

Rudolphus opened up the _Prophet; _Voldie's smiling face greeted him. He was waving to a crowd, bright flashes every where. _Dark Lord Retires, Wizarding World Rejoices, _screamed the headline. Rudolphus shook his head, he _still _couldn't believe the news. His master would be retiring, and then what would he have to live for? Torturing, killing and maiming muggles, mudbloods, and blood traitors was all he knew how to do. He would have to find _another _job. _Another _master to kiss up to.

"Sweet Dementors, I can't _believe _he's retiring."

"I know, right," Bellatrix replied between mouthfuls. "He's not even that old. Oh, Rudolphus? I was thinking—by the way... how's Sasha and the twins?"

Rudolphus looked up, staring at her strangely. "_Who?_"

She gave him an equally strange look. Did he not remember them or something? "You know, Sasha and the twins? Sasha as in your mistress Sasha, and the twins as in your twin daughters Scarlett and Sapphire. I've been thinking about them a lot lately. They're so grown up, now. How are they doing?"

"You didn't _kill _them, did you?"

Bellatrix laughed. "Of course not, I would never _ever _do such a thing. Who do you even think I am—did I kill them, _ha._"

"Then what's—"

"I'm pregnant."

Silence.

She repeated, "I said—"

Rudolphus put up a hand to silence her. "Yes, I—I heard you the first time."

"Well?" she asked, expectantly.

"Um, congrats... I guess. And who, pray tell, is the father?"

"Oh, it's My Lord."

"My Lord!" he gasped.

"And Snape."

"_Snape?_" he asked incredulously. "Snape as in _the _Severus Snape."

"The very same."

"Oh my Wizarding _God. _Bellatrix, you're joking?"

She sighed. "It's kind of a long story."

* * *

_Meanwhile, At the Hog's Head_

* * *

"Oh, _Snappikins,_" Umbridge sang, smiling cheerfully.

"Dolores," Snape replied mindlessly. He smiled up at her, gratefully accepting the warm cup of Butterbeer she had brought to the table. Despite his usual calm demeanor, his insides were shaking. He didn't think that it was possible to be _this _nervous, and yet he was. Snape felt as though he were about to faint. And every time he stared up at his psychotic girlfriend, he was reminded that he was about to be father. That another woman, who wasn't Dolores Jane Umbridge, was carrying his child. That Bellatrix Lestrange was carrying his child.

_Goddammit, _he cursed internally.

"Is everything all right, Severus dear," she asked sweetly.

_Damn her woman's intuition. _

"Oh, nothing's wrong, Dolores," he assured her. _Bellatrix is just pregnant with my baby. _"I'm just tired is all."

"Oh, that's too bad. But still, there's a lot to celebrate today. First we hear that the Dark Lord has finally announced his retirement to the Wizarding World, then I get promoted in the Ministry, and best of all... it's our six month anniversary today."

_Crap. _

_That was today? _

"Yes, it's just... wonderful."

Umbridge squeezed her boyfriend's hand, tightly. "I know we said we weren't going to get each other something, but I just had to. I want you to know that you're the love of my life and—"

"Dolores, before you say anything, there's something I must tell you."

_Let her down gently. _

"Oh?"

"And after you hear it, you might not want to be with me anymore."

"Oh, Severus, sweetie. That would never happen in a million—"

"Bellatrix Lestrange is pregnant with my baby."

_Idiot. _

"YOU STUPID MAN WHORE!" she screeched, slapping him across the face.

"Dolores, honey, you've got to—"

"OH DON'T YOU HONEY ME, YOU BASTARD. HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON ME WITH THAT— THAT SLUT."

The entire bar had gotten quiet, as everyone stared amused at the scene before them.

"Dolores, it wasn't my fault. I swear it," he protested.

"LIKE HELL IT WASN'T, SNAPE. DON'T YOU DARE LIE TO ME YOU STUPID HOE! Where'd you do it, _Severus. Huh?_ Where? In my office at Hogwarts. In the Headmaster's office? Oh, I know... it was in our bed, while I was at work, right? You screwed that whore in _our _bed, didn't you?"

"_Dolores Jane Umbridge!_" he roared. "This is exactly what I was talking to you about before—"

"No, _you_—"

"_No,_" he snapped. "You have such a goddamn big mouth, you never ever use your ears. Even before I found out of my impending fatherhood, you used to do this. You freaked out on me without even listening to the full story. And you're annoying, and incessant. You never leave me alone. Not to mention you're ugly as hell. I have no idea what the _bloody hell _we're doing together."

"Severus, I—"

"I never once slept with Bellatrix. Not once, I swear on my life."

"How the hell is she pregnant, then?"

"It's a long story, Dolores."

"I'm listening this time, I promise."

"I'm sorry, Dolores, but I don't have time for you anymore."

Suddenly tears started pouring from her eyes. "Severus, Snappikins, _please. _I love you so much. Give me another chance."

"I can't."

"You can, Severus. I'll change."

"No," he shook his head. "I'm sorry."

"Severus, wait," she grabbed his shoulder and pulled him right in front of her. "Severus, I want you to know that I— I _hate _you." And she threw him to the ground, and started beating the crap out of him.

_Son of a Dementor, _he thought angrily while trying to throw her off.


	5. Doctors Appointment

**Bellatrix (and Snape's) Sort-Of Worst Nightmare**

_Chapter 4: _Doctors Appointment

"Merlin's Beard, Snape," Rudolphus called out with a grin. "What the _bloody hell _happened to you?"

"I don't want to talk about it," he grumbled, walking into the dining room.

He had just narrowly escaped all of Umbridge's wrath; but not without a terrible price, of course. A terrible price to his face. Damn, that woman could throw a mean punch. And it wasn't as if the bar patrons had done _anything _to help him. "Stupid Dolores, stupid heir, stupid My Lord." Everything was just so _damn _stupid. If it weren't for that stupid baby, none of this would've ever happened, and he could've been happy.

But then again...

He'd been meaning to break up with the old hag for quite some time. AKA, three months ago to be exact. Voldie's "request", frankly, just sped up the process. _Perhaps, _he thought to himself, _I should be happy about this little bump in the road. _Perhaps, he should've been praising the Wizard God that he would never have to spend another moment with the pink bitch again.

He wouldn't have to meet her parents.

He wouldn't have to do _anything. _

This was really a _blessing _in disguise.

"Remind me not to mess with Umbridge," Bellatrix laughed, eating a bag of BBQ flavored Lays. "_Ever._"

Narcissa came running into the room, "Bella, don't forget—" she glanced up at Snape's bruised and blooded figure. "Severus, what on earth happened to you?"

"It's a long story," he replied glumly, sitting down at the table.

Narcissa shrugged. "Bella, don't forget you have your doctors appointment."

"I know, I know," Bellatrix cried, standing up. "You've _reminded _me of that twenty-seven times in the last thirty minutes. I think I've got it from here, and I promise I _won't _forget about it like you think I will. Good Wizarding God, Cissy, you're more nervous about this than me. Anyways, I'm leaving right now."

"Doctors appointment?" Snape's head snapped up.

"Yes, that generally happens when a woman becomes pregnant," Bellatrix replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"_Ooh_, can I come?"

Bellatrix attempted a warm smile. "Absolutely!"

"Really?" Snape asked hopefully.

"No, ya freak. Didja really think I was going to let you accompany me?"

"Come on, Bella," Narcissa interjected. "It'd be a good bonding experience for the two of you. And, he's the father—"

"Father? Not really. I'd like to think to think of him more as a— a sperm donor, if you know what I'm saying."

"Bella!" Narcissa warned.

"Fine, fine," Bellatrix replied with a sigh. "Come on, Snapple."

* * *

_At the Wizarding Medical Center..._

* * *

"Greetings, martians," said Bellatrix, butting the extremely long line of pregnant witches. "I have an appointment with Healer Noelle at twelve-thirty sharp."

"Ah, yes. Lestrange, is it?" asked the receptionist. "I was told of your impending arrival. You can just have a seat in the waiting room. Healer Noelle will be with you in just one short moment. She's with a patient right now. Oh, and congratulations, by the way!"

Bellatrix shrugged, and dragged Snape to the waiting area.

"So, my dear Snapple—"

"Are you high?"

"Possibly," Bellatrix shrugged, flipping through a magazine. "It might've been those Lays chips I was eating. Rudolphus likes to experiment by putting drugs into unsuspecting food items, but that's not important. Anyways, aside from the obvious, how was the confrontation with the old hag?"

"Ugh, horrible, and embarrassing too," Snape sighed. "She totally freaked out. Nearly killed me, too."

"Sucks I couldn't've been there," she replied, shaking her head sadly. "I would've paid real Galleons to see that. But, it's understandable, you know? Considering you _did _cheat on her."

"I did _not_."

"I'm having your baby, aren't I?" she grinned, then suddenly gagged. "Ugh, that was even disgusting to say."

"It doesn't matter," he said. "My relationship with Dolores is over. I broke up with her. Well, anyways... I suspect Rudolphus took the news well enough, since he let me in the manor. What is _up _with you two, anyway?"

"Oh, Snapple my friend," Bellatrix cooed. "I bet you wish you had a relationship like we do. We cheat on each other all the time, since we both don't really love each other all that much. That's the secret to arranged marriages, you know? Rudolphus even a couple kids of his own. Two that I know about—twin girls—there might be more, though. I don't tend to ask."

"And you're okay with that?"

"Pretty much," Bellatrix shrugged. "It can't get any worse than that."

"Bellatrix Lestrange," called the receptionist.

* * *

_10 Minutes Later_

* * *

"Ah, well now that you're changed and ready, let us begin, shall we?" said Healer Noelle, cheerfully.

"What just happened in those ten minutes," Snape asked, confused.

"The author was too lazy to write a few transitioning sentences into the scene," Bellatrix whispered. "I just changed into a itchy, uncomfortable gown and walked inside the examining room. You were there, remember?"

"Oh yeah, of course."

"Is there anything I should know about you or your parents medical history?" asked the Healer quizzically, sitting on one of those fun little spinney stools.

"Nope," Snape shook his head.

"Ah, I know my parents—well, my mom—had had a few STD's. It was from her days working the corners. Well, that's what she always used to tell me and my sisters. It might've also been from her Hogwarts days, but no one is really sure. Both of them were alcoholics, and dad was a compulsive gambler. Once, he tried to bet my sister Andromeda, but mother came before anything got out of hand. Oh, and _I_ used to use LSD on a daily basis."

"Ah," replied the Healer, writing it all down on to a Post-It! "All right, mum. Now're you ready to hear your baby's heartbeat for the first time."

"YES!" Snape cried, fist pumping the air.

"Shut _up, _Snape."

"Sorry," he muttered, looking down to the ground.

Healer Noelle brought her wand on the side of Bellatrix's stomach. _Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. _"Ah, the little one has a strong heartbeat. That's a very good sign at this stage."

_Sniff. _

"Snape, are you crying?"

"_No_," he wailed.

"Better not be."

"Well, everything appears to be in order. Bellatrix, you're about four months along. Only, Vold— He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has made me aware of your situation, so this changes a lot. Each day corresponds with a month, so today you're four months along, and tomorrow you will be five months along, and so on and so forth."

"Good to know," Snape nodded.

"Mmhmm," Bellatrix muttered.

"And, last but not least, no Dark Magic for the remainder of your pregnancy. Dark Magic can prove fatal to the baby."

"_What?_" Bellatrix screeched. That definitely wasn't in the job pregnancy description.


	6. Umbridge or should I say Umbitch

**Bellatrix (and Snape's) Sort-Of Worst Nightmare**

_Chapter 5: _Umbridge... Or Should I Say Umbitch?**  
**

_"And, last but not least, no Dark Magic for the remainder of your pregnancy. Dark Magic can prove fatal to the baby." _

_"_What?_" Bellatrix screeched. That definitely wasn't in the pregnancy job description._

Bellatrix dragged herself through the large deserted courtyard. It was like the entire Wizarding World—no, scratch that—the entire _universe _had crashed down on top of her abnormally large head. How in the world was she to survive without Dark Magic for the next five days? She couldn't remember the last time she'd gone without it for so long. Of course she'd done it before. It was... possible. Barely, but possible nonetheless. Her and Narcissa had even made a bet many years back. Narcissa had insisted that Bellatrix couldn't go a week without using some sort of Unforgivable curse.

And she'd been right.

Bellatrix only lasted about twelve hours before she killed an evil leprechaun after he refused to give her his gold.

But that was, probably the _only_ bet Bellatrix wasn't worried about losing.

I mean really, how does one go without it in general?

"What's wrong, Bellatrix?" Snape asked distractedly, typing away furiously at his iPhone.

"_Ugh, _Snape. This is just absolutely dreadful, completely—" she glanced over at him. "Snape, what the bloody hell are you doing?"

He looked up. "What?"

"You seem... distracted."

"It's nothing."

"Really," Bellatrix responded skeptically. When Snape continued to tap away at his stupid muggle contraption, Bellatrix snatched the device from his hands. "Snape, who keeps on bothering you?" She looked down at the screen.

_Umbridge. _

"I thought the two of you broke up?"

"We did—"

"But..."

"But now she regrets it and won't leave me alone."

_Brriinngg. Briinngg. _Before she handed back the phone, Bellatrix looked him square in the eye. "You could just kill her, you know?"

Snape sighed. "While the thought has crossed my mind, Bellatrix, unlike you, I'm not completely insane."

Bellatrix rolled her eyes. "It was just a suggestion, _gosh._"

"Snapple, Trixie! You're back!" Voldie cried exitedly from the front porch. He dropped the broom he'd been using to beat one of the house elves with, and ran to them. "So how's the little one? Did the doctor say everything was all right with my beautiful little heir? You haven't killed it, Bellatrix, have you?"

Snape tapped the 'ignore' button on the phone, and shrugged. "Oh, no, don't worry, My Lord. She hasn't killed it... yet."

Bellatrix glared at him angrily. "I'll kill _you _first, Snape." She punched him square in the jaw, and watched as he fell to the ground. Suddenly she squealed with excitement. "My Lord, that reminds me! Did you hear the news? Greyback was telling the truth! Snape and Umbridge really have been together for the past six months!"

Voldie gasped. He looked expectantly at Snape. "Snapple, is this true!"

"Yes," he winced. "Ow! Sweet Dementors, Bellatrix. I swear that's the exact same spot Umbitch punched me today!"

"_Umbitch_!" Voldie cried incredulously. "Jeez, Snapple. Is that any way to talk about your girlfriend! I honestly thought you had more respect for toads!"

Bellatrix burst into laughter. "AHAHAHAHAH! Good one, My Lord."

Snape rolled his eyes, "Shut up." He pulled himself up off the ground, and stalked grumpily out of the courtyard. He knew that this was going to happen, that this would be their reaction. Honestly, Umbridge hadn't been all that bad in the beginning. She was a wonderful, caring, kind—okay, maybe that was going a bit far. But, in the beginning, Snape _had_ loved her. _Had _being the operative word. Now, Umbridge was a woman he just wanted to forget.

"I wonder what's up with Snapple," Voldie asked.

Bellatrix shrugged. "Who knows, My Lord, who knows!"

Voldie started giggling again. "I still can't believe he dated that old hag for six entire months."

"I know, right?" Bellatrix cried. "I would've Avada'd her within the first week."

"Amen to that!"

"Well, I think we should go inside. Also, you should really clean up this stupid house elf just lying here. MISTY, CLEAN UP YOUR BROTHER!" Bellatrix yelled. She grabbed onto Voldie, and arm in arm they skipped inside Lestrange Manor. "Tralalalalalalala." Bellatrix sang at the top her lungs.

"Good Wizarding God, Bellatrix," Rudolphus cried, hands covering his ears. "Aren't we all glad you gave up your life ambition of becoming a back up singer for Justin Bieber, and decided to become a Death Muncher."

"_WHAT_!" Voldie cried. "I _thought _you said your life ambition was to _become _a Death Eater!"

"Umm," Bellatrix looked to the ground, and shrugged sheepishly. "Close second."

Voldie pulled away from her. "_Ugh! _My entire life is a _BIG FAT LIE!_"

"I'm sorry My Lord," Bellatrix cried. "But the heart wants what the heart wants!"

He shook his head. "I can't even look at you right now, Trixie. I just _can't_." Voldie sulked out of the room, muttering obscenities to himself angrily. He quickly apparated away with a loud _pop,_ leaving behind small specks of tears on the hardwood floor. Misty, the house elf wiped away at the mess furiously, though it was hard seeing as the broom she was using still had chunks of her recently deceased half-brother, Pedro.

Bellatrix shrugged. "Well, I'd better be off to bed."

Snape looked to his watch. "But it's only 6:30," he protested, looking at her strangely.

"Wow," she exclaimed sarcastically. "500 gazillion years old, and you can already tell time. I hope our unborn child will be as utterly intelligent as you when they are equally as old." Then Bellatrix leaned right up against his ear. "Plot purposes, my dear Snapple. Plot purposes," she whispered.

"Ah," he said. "So, something is coming?"

"Something indeed," Bellatrix replied, knowingly. "I must be upstairs, in my bedroom for it. And so with that, I bid you goodnight."

Bellatrix shuffled up the large winding staircase, and made her way into the bedroom. She tried to brace herself for whatever was in store... yet nothing could prepare her for what she was about to witness. Perhaps, the loud moaning noises should've been a warning for her not to enter the room. "Must resist... must resist..." she muttered to herself.

But the plot purposey goodness could most certainly not be ignored.

She heaved the door the open...

Her eyes bulged out, entire body shaking.

Umbridge lay naked on her bed, barely covered up by the satin sheets. She looked like she was in a daze, and strangely happy considering her current position. A traumatized-looking house elf lay beside her, muttering to itself. She could see it slowly inching farther away from the elder woman.

"MY EYES," Bellatrix screeched, collapsing to the floor. "IT BURNS!"


	7. Snape (and Voldie) to the Rescue

**Bellatrix (and Snape's) Sort-Of Worst Nightmare**

_Chapter Six: _Snape (and Voldie) to the Rescue

"Did you hear something?" Voldie asked suddenly.

Snape looked up from his copy of _Twilight_, finishing the sentence he had been reading."What?"

* * *

_"OH. MY. WIZARDING. GOD!" she screeched. "I'M SCARED FOR LIFE." _

_The elder witch continued cackling, pulling on her neon pink pantsuit and flicking the tiny house elf out of the bed. _

_"I'VE BEEN BLINDED!" she continued screaming at the top of her lungs. "I WILL NEVER UNSEE THIS MOMENT!"  
_

_"If you _live, _to tell the_ _tale,_"_ the elder witch muttered under he breath. _

* * *

Snape had been immersed in Bella's description of the _perfect _Edward "Eddiekins" Cullen, he could barely hear anything else. He had forgotten how amazing the book was... then again this had been the three hundred and ninety-fourth time reading it.

_One day, _he thought to himself. _They will know of the totally-awesomeness that is the Twilight Saga._

Voldie shook his head. Snape had gone _crazy, _reading that monstrosity.

"I said, did you _hear _something earlier?" Voldie asked again.

"_Oh. _Uh, no, My Lord," he replied. "I mean, other than Bellatrix screaming her head off and all upstairs. But that's to be expect, right?"

"Of course."

"Then nope," Snape reassured him. "Nothing out of the ordinary."

Voldie shrugged, and Snape went back to his reading.

* * *

_Three Hours Later_

* * *

"Snapple, my dear... I think we should go check on Trixie," said Voldie, throwing the issue of Teen Witch Vogue he'd been reading onto the side table. "You can never be too careful with these things, you know?"

"But why, My Lord?"

"Plot purposes. Nasty little buggers."

"_Oh._"

"Oh _Trixie_," Voldie sang, climbing up the stairs.

_Silence. _

"BELLATRIX, ANSWER ME THIS INSTANT, GODDAMMIT!"

_Silence._

Voldie stomped up the staircase, putting added emphasis on each step. "Stupid witch," he muttered under his breath. "Ignoring me like I'm some— some pathetic commoner. I'm a damn prince. I'm—I'm the Dark _freaking _Lord, dammit. I'll show her not to mess with me. No one ignores—"

"MY LORD!" Snape screamed.

"SNAPPLE!" he screamed back. "WHY ARE WE SCREAMING?"

"SWEET DEMENTORS SHE'S GONE, MY LORD! COMPLETELY GONE! DISAPPEARED! DISAPPEARED WITHOUT A TRACE! WE'RE—"

"Snapple, get a hold of yourself," Voldie slapped him across the face. "_Who _is gone?"

"Bellatrix!"

"_WHAT!_"

"She's been kidnapped."

"How do you know?"

"Look at _this,_" Snape handed Voldie a small pink Post-It!. "It was sitting on the bed when I got here."

Written in neat neon-pink scrawl:

_I have kidnapped your beloved whore Bellatrix. _

_And she will die._

_So will the unborn child. _

_Suck on that, Snappikins. _

"Snappikins?" Voldie cried. "What is the meaning of this foolishness?"

"Well, you see My Lord," Snape explained. "This _person _is going to kill Bellatrix and—"

"I can _read, _Snapple," Voldie shouted. "Who committed this atrocious act?"

Snape sighed. "It was Umbridge, I'm sure of it."

"AH, WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU EVER SEE IN THAT WOMAN?"

Snape held his hands up in defeat, tears welling up in his eyes. "Pink is my favorite color, okay!"

"UGH!" Voldie screamed. "LET'S GO."

"Where to? Are we going on a road trip?" Snape asked excitedly. "Because I _love _road trips."

"NO, YOU _IMBECILE, _WE'RE GOING TO RESCUE TRIXIE."

"So then we're going to Hogwarts."

"If that's where she'll be!"

"It is," Snape said certainly.

"Yes, Snapple... then we're going to Hogwarts."

"Goody," Snape cried. "I've meaning to talk with Dumbledore about getting my job back since you're—"

Voldie gave him a death glare.

Snape looked down. "I'll do it later," he muttered to himself.

* * *

"Tea, dear," Umbridge asked sweetly, pouring herself a cup.

"_Pardon?_" Bellatrix muttered, struggling against the bonds trapping her to the chair. If she survived, she would have to ask Umbridge about the bonding spell—it was good. She hadn't been able to get herself free like she usually would have been able to. She looked around the room, and couldn't help but shudder. It was so... _pink. _Everywhere she looked, pink. The walls, the chairs, the pillows, the floor. Pink, pink, pink. Bellatrix had loathed the color pink all her life, but now... she hated it even more.

She was surprised Dumbledore had allowed it.

"I said, tea..." Umbridge laughed. "Would you like some tea?"

"... _Erm, _no."

Umbridge frowned. "Suit yourself."

* * *

"What the bloody hell is this foolishness," Voldie hissed. "Just get a goddamn ticket, so we can get to Hogwarts."

"My Lord, they won't give _you _a train ticket."

"And why, pray tell, not?"

"Because you're the Dark Lord Voldemort. _Duh._"

"DON'T GET SNAPPY WITH ME!"

* * *

"So... pregnant, huh?" Umbridge said casually, pacing the room. "I suppose a... congratulations are in order, Ms. Lestrange."

Bellatrix narrowed her eyes. "... Thanks."

"Severus must be very excited of his impending fatherhood."

She shrugged. "I suppose."

"Oh?"

"It was quite the surprise—ugh, I _don't _know why I'm telling you this, as it isn't much of your busin—"

"BECAUSE," Umbridge screamed. "It is _my _business when a commoner is sleeping with _my_ boyfriend."

* * *

"Killing the ticket man was so—so evil, My Lord," Snape said in awe.

"They don't call the Dark Lord nothing," Voldie said casually.

* * *

"WHY DID YOU DO IT!" Umbridge sobbed. "I loved him, and then he broke my heart."

"Umbridge, I—"

"Don't you Umbridge me!"

* * *

Voldie looked at Snape's watch. "Ugh, Snapple... are we there yet?"

"Almost, My Lord, almost."

* * *

"You're just some _whore... _and _I _am this beautiful—"

"Whoa, whoa, _whoa_! Who you callin' _whore_?" Bellatrix snapped. "At least I'm not some pink old hag!"

"You're _Bellatrix Lestrange_," Umbridge cried, as if it were the most obvious thing. "You're _middle name _is whore."

"And _your _middle name is _bitch._"

* * *

"Come on, My Lord, your precious heir is waiting and doesn't care that you're totally out of shape," Snape called down the bunny hill, as muggles would refer to it. Having worked at Hogwarts most of his career, he was used to getting in and out of the grounds unnoticed. But Voldie... we won't even go there.

"I'm _not _out of shape," Voldie panted.

"My Lord, that was barely a hill."

"Shut up, Snapple!"

"_Fatty._"

* * *

"I'm going to _kill _you, Lestrange."

"THINK AGAIN UMBITCH," Snape cried, wand at the ready. "MY LORD AND I ARE—..." he looked around. "MY LORD... COME ON, IT WASN'T EVEN A FREAKING HILL. WHEN THIS IS OVER WE'RE CALLING JENNY CRAIG!"

"I'm _NOT _out of shape!" he cried, crawling into the room.

Snape helped him up. "Now," Voldie said. "Umbitch, you're going to need to let my heir go."

"Your heir?"

"You mean Snapple didn't explain the situation to you?" he asked incredulously. "Snapple, come on!"

"MY LORD!" Bellatrix cried. "A little _help _here. I think I may die from pink over-consumption."

"Quite right," Voldie said quickly. "Get ready to meet your maker, Umbitch."

"No, please—"

"Sweet dreams," Snape sneered.

"_Avada Kedavra." _

A shot of green light burst from Voldie's wand, and the pink bitch fell to the ground.

"Ah. Well that was refreshing," Voldie said pleasantly.


	8. Ugh, This Sucks!

**Bellatrix (and Snape's) Sort-Of Worst Nightmare**

_Chapter 7: _Ugh, This Sucks!

"Bellatrix, pass the sausages, would you?" Rudolphus snapped, getting more and more annoyed. Ever since becoming pregnant, she'd become _such a freaking pig. _Hogging all the food, stuffing her face. It was disgusting. "You're becoming worse than _My Lord._"

"You should've seen him!" Snape cried, shaking his head. "He couldn't even climb the _bunny hill. _The _bunny hill _for Merlin's sake. It's probably all of those Dunkin Donuts. He's really let himself go, let me tell you."

"I have a perfectly legitimate excuse, Rudy," Bellatrix protested, gesturing to her rounded stomach. "And _no freakin' way,_" she snapped, equally as annoyed. "I had to wake up extra early this morning, walk _all the way _down the staircase just to get Misty to stop crying over her dead brother and make this for me. So, no... I _will not _pass you _my _sausages. Get your own damn—"

"Mornin' everybody," Narcissa chirped, walking into the dining room.

"Cissy, tell Rudolphus to leave my sausages alone," Bellatrix whined.

Narcissa chuckled, then turned quite serious to Rudolphus. "It's no use arguing with a pregnant witch, Rudolphus," she explained. "My Lucy learned that the hard way, let me tell you. Now, please, for your own sake, just let it go. Make your own sausages—if you wish to have all of your limbs by tea time."

Rudolphus forced a sigh, and rolled his eyes. "This child will be the death of me."

"_Literally_," Narcissa, Snape, and Bellatrix added in unison.

"So, Bella," Narcissa cooed, taking seat. "I was looking through this book yesterday."

"Oh?"

"Mmhmm," she replied between mouthfuls. "My these sausages are good."

"And..." Bellatrix rolled her eyes.

"_And _I've found some names for the baby," Narcissa squealed.

Bellatrix just stared forward, unimpressed. "_Oh,_" she said with disdain.

"Did you know that these baby name books have a section for possible death row babies? Well, they do," she laughed. "Anyways, here's what I have... how 'bout Calliope? Callie for short."

"Callio_pe?_" Bellatrix scrunched up her nose. "No way."

Narcissa looked at her sister strangely. "But it's so cute."

"I don't want _cute_, I want _menacing_."

"How 'bout Bellatrix Jr.," Rudolphus suggested sarcastically. "That'll scare the pants off anyone who comes near her."

"That's actually not a bad idea," Bellatrix grinned.

"How about Jorja?"

"No."

"Callidora?"

"Nope."

"Jonathan?"

"Nah."

"Oscar?"

"John-Jacob?"

"No way."

"How about Ariadne? That's a good one!"

"Definitely not."

"Mary, Jane, Abigail?"

"No, no, and _no._ JUST STOP WITH THE NAME SUGGESTIONS FOR MERLIN'S SAKE!" Bellatrix screamed.

"Trixie!" Voldie cried in a panic, skidding into the room. "Are you okay!?"

Bellatrix rolled her eyes. "_Yes_, My Lord," she replied tightly. "I'm _fine._"

"But you were screaming!"

"My Lord, I _always _scream. That's nothing new, you should know that by now."

"I just worry, okay?" Voldie shrugged.

"Well, why don't you go worry about me in another room or something?" she snapped.

"Actually, My Lord," said Snape, standing up. "Jenny Craig is about to get here, so you might just want to wait a couple seconds."

_Pop. _

A middle-aged woman appeared in the dining room. "Tom? Tom Riddle?" the woman stuck out her hand. "I'm Jenny Craig. A Mr. Severus Snape called, and said you were in desperate need of my services. Now that I'm here, everything will be okay. I'll get you back into shape in no problem."

Voldie shot Snape a death glare.

* * *

_Later That Night_

* * *

The clock had just struck midnight when Bellatrix crawled into bed. She had spent nearly seven hours playing Angry Birds on an iPhone she stole off a Goblin... but had yet to beat the game. It was _difficult, _okay! Voldie had insisted she take his chambers at Malfoy Manor, but she refused. Bellatrix quite liked being in her own bed at her own manor. Not to mention, rumor had it Voldie slept commando.

_Ew._

She pulled the covers up over herself, attempting to get comfortable. Which, of course, was getting harder and harder to do these days. Finally find the right spot, she let out a content sigh. Then she looked sideways... snake-like slits greeted her. She jumped up, eyes wide, "My Lord! WHAT THE HELL!"

"Trixie!" he smiled back.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

_The Next Morning_

* * *

Bellatrix stumbled out of bed, hair looking crazier than ever. Her eyes drooped. She looked as though she might fall asleep at any given moment. Voldie had been kicking her all night, she didn't think she'd gotten even a minute of sleep.

Pulling the bathroom door open, she stepped inside tugging at her nightgown. A nice cold shower would wake her up in a jiff.

_Pop. _"Trixie, watcha doin'?" Voldie grinned.

Her head snapped over to face him. She sighed angrily. "I was about to take a shower," she forced a fake smile. "What about _you _My Lord?"

He shrugged. "Just chillin'."

"Wanna go chill somewhere else?"

"Look, Trixie. I know this has been hard, but it's for your safety? You've got to understand that."

_Safety? Safety my ass._

* * *

_Even Later..._

* * *

"TRIXIE!" Voldie shouted at the top of his lungs. "Come _back! _I need to make sure that you're safe."

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Voldie skidded down the banister. "Trixie, _stop _playing games!"

He ran into the dining room, only to find Bellatrix standing on top of the table. "DON'T YOU DARE COME NEAR ME!"

"Trixie, come on. It's because I care, can't you see?"

Bellatrix jumped down. "Then stop caring!"

"AH!" he screamed. "Don't _jump_! You'll kill the child."

"THAT'S IT!" she cried, and slapped him across the face. "YOU ARE _SO ANNOYING!_"

Voldie gasped, clutching his beautiful face. He watched as Bellatrix frantically ran from the room, tears rapidly falling down his cheeks. She didn't have to be so—so _mean_ about it? He just wanted to make sure that his heir would be safe from harm's way. What was so wrong about that? He shook his head, wiping the tears from his eyes and aparated to the first place that came to mind.

_The Alligator's Hook._

"Lord Voldie!" Stephan, the wise old piano-playing unicorn cried. "How are you? I've missed you lots."

"Not good," he whispered coming up to the bar.

"Moldy, what's the matter this time?" Jimmy-J said, pouring him a bottle of Firewhisky.

"It's Trixie," he cried. "She _slapped _me."

Stephan gasped. "_Why_?"

"I'm just tryna protect her!" he said, innocently.

Stephan and Jim exchanged knowing glances. "You were smothering her, weren't you?"

Voldie snorted. "I wouldn't call it _smothering._"

"Look, Voldie, I've been there," Stephan said, placing a hoof on Voldie's hand. "Women don't like to be smothered. Just 'cause they're having a kid, doesn't mean they're not capable of doing things on their own."

"But she was kidnapped, Stephan!"

"Well, I assume you've killed the kidnappers by now. There's no more threat, Moldy," Jim explained. "I'm sure this _Trixie _of yours can take care of herself. I hate to say this, but she's managed without ya. She will be perfectly fine. She's only going to resent ya if ya continue like this."

Voldie sighed reluctantly. "I guess you're right."


	9. Sisterly Bonding, Oh and a Shower

**Bellatrix (and Snape's) Sort-Of Worst Nightmare**

_Chapter 8: _Sisterly Bonding at the Greatest Store Ever... oh, and a Shower

"Cissy, I don't understand why we had to come _here _of all places," Bellatrix whined.

"_Because _Bella," she replied, as if were the most obvious thing in the world. "Muggle stores—Wal-Mart especially—have _the best _baby clothing and toys and everything the Muggle world has to offer. Plus, it's all free."

Bellatrix's face lit up. "Free?!"

"For wizards and witches it is," Narcissa said, slyly.

"Ah," Bellatrix's face erupted into an even bigger grin. "I like the way you think, sis."

The two sisters browsed through the rows of Wal-Mart, stupefying anyone who got in their way. Bellatrix was extremely hesitant being in the strange muggle store, but she couldn't deny that Narcissa had been right. Wal-Mart had everything she could possibly need, and then some. She didn't know why Narcissa had only shown her this wonderful magical place now. If she had it her way, she would spend an eternity in here!

"So, Bella?" Narcissa asked. "Bella? _Bellatrix_!"

"Look," she squealed excitedly, clapping her hands together. "They have toys."

Narcissa rolled her eyes. "Yes, yes, I know. Now, if you'd just listen for a second. I was trying to suggest some more baby name—"

"Screw names, _TOYS_!" she waved her hand dismissively. Bellatrix bolted to the toy section, shrieking with delight, jumping up and down, up and down. "AH, LOOK RACE CARS!" she picked one up and sat on the floor. "VROOM! VROOM!"

"Cissy, can we get it?" she asked hopefully. "_Please._"

Narcissa forced a sigh. "Fine, but only one."

"YES!" Bellatrix fist pumped the air. She grabbed a stack of Hot Wheels™ and ran around a corner. But everywhere she looked, there was something new and even more exciting. It was overwhelming, really. Suddenly, she stopped in her tracks. She let out a gasp of surprise. And then, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Bella, Bellatrix, what is it?" Narcissa cried, running to her sister's aid.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Mommy, look," a little girl cried in astonishment. "It's Helena Bonham Carter!"

"Come on, Abby sweetie," replied the mother, ushering the little girl away. "Let's just go."

"But Mommy," Abby cried. "It's Bellatrix from Harry Potter. I have to get her auto—"

"Bellatrix, GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF," Narcissa screeched, roughly shaking Bellatrix's shoulders. "Now what the bloody hell is the matter?"

"THE MUGGLES WORSHIP THE POTTER BRAT, TOO!" Bellatrix screamed.

"_Oh._"

Narcissa looked over to her right, there was an entire shelf—no, a section— dedicated to the wretched Boy Who Lived. Or as the Death Munchers preferred to call him behind Voldie's back—the Boy Who Just Wouldn't Die. Figurines, plastic wands, robes, toys, they were all there waiting to be bought. "But Bellatrix... there's you too. Even the little girl recognized you."

"It doesn't even look like me," she pouted. "And who is this Helena Bonham Carter person, anyway? I must find her, and kill her—"

"I don't think that's necessary, Bellatrix," Narcissa sighed. "We don't even know who she is. Come on, let's just keep looking, okay?"

Bellatrix sighed. "All right."

* * *

_Seven Hours Later..._

* * *

"Bella, let's go," Narcissa said sternly. "_Now._"

"But Cissy, the _toys._"

"We've been here all day, and I'm tired. I told everyone we'd be back," Narcissa looked at her wrist-watch. "Three hours ago. We are way late, too late if you ask me. Now if you don't get out of this store this instant—"

"UGH FINE!" Bellatrix huffed. "MEANIE!"

Narcissa started forward.

"POOP-FACE! BUTT HEAD! BITCH!"

* * *

_At Lestrange Manor..._

* * *

"_Shh!_" someone hissed.

"She's coming!"

"You said that about the last seven people who just walked through the door!"

"Everyone _shut up _and hide." _  
_

_Sweet Dementors, _Narcissa thought, coming up the steps to the manor. _Please let them not screw this one up. _The Death Munchers were terrible a surprise parties. Well, terrible at surprise _anythings. _Not to mention that they had never thrown a surprise _baby_-shower before. Let's just say, they weren't very, well, maternal. Frankly, they had little problems with the average things they did daily; maiming, torturing, killing, etc., etc., so baby showers were really a... sissy-girl thing to do.

There was also Bellatrix to worry about, too. She had no idea how her sister would react to this surprise. Come to think of it, she couldn't ever think of a time she'd really surprised her sister with, well, anything before. Not something like this, at least.

"I don't know why we had to come home so early, Cissy?" Bellatrix pouted.

Narcissa rolled her eyes. "Bella?"

"Yes?"

"Shut _up _and walk."

"Why don't _you _just shut up," she muttered under her breath, pushing the door to the manor open.

"SURPRISE!"

"AHH!" Bellatrix jumped ten feet into the air. "What the..." she twisted expectantly towards her sister, "_What _is this?"

Narcissa grinned. "What do you think? It's a baby shower, of course."

"A baby _what_?"

"A baby _shower_, Bella," she replied exasperatedly, pushing Bellatrix towards the crowd of woman awaiting her arrival. "I didn't really know who to invite so I called up the family and your friends from Hogwarts, and voila!"

"Congratulations," they all gushed excitedly.

Bellatrix gave Narcissa a death glare as the crowd of woman engulfed her.

Suddenly, _CRASH. _Voldie swaggered into the room, dark black sunglasses over his eyes, and a large gold chain hanging around his neck. "Voldie in da house!" The other Death Munchers followed behind looking equally as gangsta. Narcissa rushed over to the group of men. "My Lord, _what _are you doing here?"

"Voldie is here for the party," he replied.

"Baby showers are only for women, My Lord," Narcissa tried to explain. "You do know that, don't you?"

"Nonsense," he cried, pushing past her.

"But—"

Lucius zapped Narcissa's mouth shut. "Don't spoil the fun, dear."


	10. Uh-Oh!

**Bellatrix (and Snape's) Sort-Of Worst Nightmare**

_Chapter 9:_ Uh-Oh!

"So," Voldie said awkwardly, scooting over closer to her. "It's just the two of us, eh?"

She inched over away from him. "I suppose so."

"Look, Trixie. I—I—I'm sorry about... the other day."

Bellatrix looked at him, aghast. Voldie wasn't one to apologize. To anyone.

"It's just ever since that incident with Umbridge, I don't know—I've just been really worried. I keep on imagining you gone. I don't want anything to happen to you or the child. I didn't mean to er—smother you."

Bellatrix sighed. "It's all right, My Lord. I um, understand, I guess. Now, where did did Rudolphus and Snape say they were going again?"

Voldie shrugged, and sighed. "I don't know, some stripper club or something. The Big Wand, I think it was called. I wasn't really paying attention—"

"The _Big Wand. _You're kidding?"

"What?"

"That's such an unimaginative, terrible name," Bellatrix gasped.

"Tell me about," Voldie chuckled. "That author girl, she's just so—"

_Ahem. _

Voldie paled. "Never mind."

"I suppose they should be getting out, then," Bellatrix agreed, ignoring Voldie's completely panicked expression. "Once the baby arrives they won't have much time for that kind of thing."

"Ah yes," he replied. "I remember when Rudolphus' twins were born. He didn't sleep for months."

"Ugh. I don't even want to think about that," Bellatrix shuddered. If there was one thing Bellatrix Lestrange appreciated more than anything in the world, it was her beauty sleep. "I suppose I can dump the child on Snape when I'm too tired."

"Or myself," he said quietly.

"What?"

"Nothing, never mind," he sighed. "I was just disappointed that I wasn't invited to this little shindig. I haven't been to a stripper club in _ages._"

"My Lord," Bellatrix gasped. "_You? _In a _stripper club? _I don't believe it."

"Oh Trixie, I practically lived in them in my youth. Also, we both know Voldie had made game with the bitches."

Bellatrix grinned. "Of course."

* * *

_At The Big Wand..._

* * *

"Snape," Rudolphus called over the boom of the music. He grinned. "Having fun?"

Snape ogled the young witch dancing around him. "Yes, yes I am. I think I'm in love... with stripper clubs."

"You have been to one before, haven't you?"

Snape laughed nervously. "Of course I have."

Rudolphus wasn't convinced. "_Snape_?"

"Okay, okay. Maybe this is my first time coming to a place like this. But if I would've known it was going to be _this _amazing, I would've been coming here all of my life, every single day of the week."

Rudolphus punched him lightly on the shoulder. "You need to get out more, Snape my man."

* * *

"VROOM," Bellatrix pushed the Hot Wheels™ car around on the floor.

Voldie mutilated a Harry Potter figurine. "So all of this is from..."

"The store is called Wal-Mart, My Lord," Bellatrix gushed. "You would love it, trust me! Just, you can't tell Narcissa I smuggled it out of that wonderful place while we were leaving. She would be very upset."

"We'll have to discuss taking a trip to this 'Wal-Mart' at the next Death Muncher meeting."

"Indeed we shall," she agreed.

"Say, Trixie. I was thinking—"

"No."

"I didn't even say anything."

"We are _not _naming the baby Penelope Grace, My Lord. Or Rosie. I know you've been thinking about those two. Look, that's the kind of name kids get beat up for, you know. Kids can be _cruel _these days."

"Oh like Bellatrix is any better!" he argued.

"Ex_cuse _me!" she cried. "Oh _no _you didn't!" _  
_

He snapped his finger sassily. "I did, bitch."

Suddenly, Bellatrix face paled. "_Oh_."

"Now, this is half my heir, I do get some say in the child's name. I don't care _what _you say, Bellatrix Lestrange. Penelope Grace is cute name."

"Uh-huh..."

"Are you _even _listening to me?"

* * *

Snape was in the middle of receiving a lap dance when he felt a strange pang in his stomach. He didn't quite know how to describe it. It wasn't painful, or anything like that. It just—was there. Something seemed... off. "Rudolphus?"

"What?" he cried, exasperatedly.

"Honey, if your boyfriend is going to be bothering us—"

"He's _not _my boyfriend," Rudolphus shuddered.

"Something's wrong."

"Merlin's beard Snape, live a little. Nothing's wrong, now stop complaining. This is practically our last night of freedom, enjoy it while it lasts."

"I don't know."

"Snape, if you wanna go home, go. I'm a little busy, here." Pulling 10 gold galleons from his wallet, Rudolphus pulled the stripper off his lap and ushered him to the back room. "Don't worry about him. His, er—girlfriends about to have a baby."

"Aw."

* * *

"BLOODY HELL, TRIXIE."

Bellatrix barely even looked up from the spot on the floor she was staring at.

"Is there some reason in particular that you think it's all right to just ignore me like this. Just because you're carrying my heir doesn't give you any excuse to be a coldhearted bitch."

Silence.

"UGH! BELLATRIX BLACK LESTRANGE YOU LISTEN TO ME, AND YOU LISTEN TO ME GOOD. I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!"

More silence.

Voldie was too enraged to notice her labored breathing, and frightened expression.

"WHO THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, ACTING LIKE THIS!"

"My Lord," she said shakily.

"OH, NOW THE DEMON SPEAKS. WELL I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!"

"My Lord," she said again, this time a little louder.

"LA LA LA LA I'M NOT LISTENING," he sang, plugging his ears.

Bellatrix was getting more and more annoyed. Why wouldn't the old man _just shut his mouth_ for Merlin's sake?

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"MY LORD," she screamed at the top her lungs.

He looked over at her, startled. "What is it?"

"My water just broke."


	11. Welcome to the World

**Bellatrix (and Snape's) Sort-Of Worst Nightmare**

_Chapter 10: _Welcome to the World

_"MY LORD," she screamed at the top her lungs. _

_He looked over at her, startled. "What is it?" _

_"My water just broke." _

"You're _what _just broke."

"My water. My Lord, the baby is coming. _Right now._"

"What? _Now? _It's too soon!" he cried. Voldie was panicking, he hadn't anticipated he'd be with Bellatrix for the "glorious event" also known as the most terrifying experience ever. Frankly, he'd never done this sort of thing before—delivering babies that is. The only time he'd witnessed a birth before was when young Draco Malfoy had been brought into the world, and even then... it wasn't really a moment he wanted to remember.

_Ew. _He shook the memories from his mind.

He couldn't do this! There was no way.

He began pacing the room. "Maybe this is just a false alarm," he thought aloud.

Bellatrix shook her head vigorously. "It's _not,_" she snapped, clutching her stomach. Finally, she let out ear-piercing scream. "AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Voldie jumped. "AHHHHHHHH!"

"SHUT UP YOU BUFFOON!" she yelled. "OH SWEET WIZARDING GOD THIS HURTS!"

And _this _was why Bellatrix had vowed _never _to have kids. "GET NARCISSA!"

"She's conveniently some where far, far from the manor," Voldie cried. _Shit. _He just _knew _he shouldn't have sent her to get that useless magical mirror. But it was so beautiful—no. No, he should've known that the author was up to her old plot-twisty tricks—sending Narcissa off to get the mirror, and Rudolphus and Snape to the strip club. It was all one big_ lie._ Suddenly, Voldie began hyperventilating. Things were _not_ going well. _  
_

He began running around the room.

"I NEED _DRUGS!_" she screamed, death grip on the bed post, knuckles white. "SWEET DEMENTORS I'M DYING!"

Voldie continued running around the room, hyperventilating.

Suddenly, _pop. _

"My Lord," a nameless Death Muncher stumbled into the bedroom. "What's going—_oh._" The Death Muncher shuddered, and apparated back out of the room. Seeing Bellatrix give birth was something one couldn't just _unsee. _

"_Men,_" Bellatrix spat through gritted teeth. They were so... predictable. Such sissies.

_Suck it up like man-thing, and get with this, _Voldie told himself. Slowly, he approached Bellatrix's side. She quickly slapped him across the face. "MORON YOU DID THIS TO ME! I HATE YOU! AHHHH—JUST SUCK IT UP!"

He nodded rapidly.

"MY LORD, YOU NEED TO CHECK IF YOU CAN SEE THE HEAD!"

Voldie turned a bright shade of green. "Check? _Me?_" _  
_

"DOES IT LOOK LIKE ANYONE ELSE IS HERE!"

"OKAY OKAY!" Voldie helped Bellatrix lie on the bed. He lifted up her dress, and suddenly let out an ear-piercing, bloodcurdling, sissy-girl scream. "OH MY WIZARDING GOD! BLOODY FUCKING HELL!" Then he collapsed onto the floor with a loud _thump._

Bellatrix's eyes widened. "My Lord?"

Silence.

"Voldie?"

More silence.

"TOM FUCKING RIDDLE!"

Voldie jolted up. "Mommy!"

"MY LORD GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!"

Suddenly he realized where he was. "_Oh. _Oh, I can do this!" He jumped up, and stuck his head under Bellatrix's dress. "Now Trixie, _PUSH!_"

"WHAT—NO!"

Voldie looked into her eyes. He was completely confuzzled. "What?"

"I—I—AHHHHH!"

"PUSH LIKE YOU'VE NEVER PUSHED BEFORE TRIXIE!"

And she pushed. And pushed. _And _pushed.

Still, the—

"WHAT IS THIS A BLOODY ROBERT MUNSCH BOOK!?"

_Fine. _

Bellatrix grabbed Voldie by the hem of his collar. "I. NEED. DRUGS!"

"Nope, it's too late now."

She gasped. "You don't know that."

"Plot purposes, Bellatrix, plot purposes."

"SCREW PLOT PURPOSES! AUTHOR I NEED DRUGS!"

_Nah. Maybe later._

"Trixie, the head is out. Just one more big push!"

She shook her head. "NO!"

"YES!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"COME ON, TRIXIE, PUSH!"

Bellatrix was adamant. "I WON'T DO IT WITHOUT DRUGS!"

"You _have _to!"

_Come on, Bellatrix. You can do it. I believe in you. So does Helena Bonham Carter. And the rest of the world. Even aliens from mars—_

"YOU ARE A TERRIBLE MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER!"

_*shrugs* I do what I can._

"Bellatrix, just one more!"

"YOU SAID THAT THE LAST FIVE TIMES!"

"I swear this is the last one!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Then, BAM. It was here_—_the baby was finally here. The highly anticipated baby heir of the Dark Lord, child of Bellatrix Black Lestrange and Severus Snape. Voldie froze, eyes wide with a mixture of horror and amazement. He quickly wrapped the wailing infant in a small quilted baby blanket made by the ever-loving hands of Lucius Malfoy. Voldie grinned.

"Well?"

Voldie snapped up. "Well _what?_"

"What is it?"

"Huh? _Oh. _It's a little baby girl."

Bellatrix fell back onto the bed. _A girl. _She had a little baby girl.

All that was left for her little angel—or rather, demon—was a name. And it had to be good, too. Not a sissy girl name like _Penelope Grace. _Gross. She still couldn't comprehend why the evilest wizard in the entire Wizarding World would pick such a name. No, this little girl needed a prominent name. Bellatrix Jr. was always an option, but she decided against it.

But she had to decide quick, before My Lord got carried away and named the baby something stupid. "Coochie coochie coo!" Voldie cooed, giggling like twelve-year-old. "Oh, you are so adorable my little—"

"Her name is Ariadne," Bellatrix said certainly. "Ariadne Demona Black."

"Ariadne Demona Black?"

Bellatrix shrugged. "Snape was rather fond of Ariadne. And Demona—well, that just sounds bloody awesome."

"I suppose it'll fit the girl," Voldie sighed. He looked down at the small bundle cradled in his arms. "My little Ariadne—"

_CRASH. _

The door to the dimly lit bedroom fell to the ground. Rudolphus pushed through angrily, gesturing wildly to the room. "See, Snape. You were worrying for nothing..." his voice trailed off as he saw Voldie with the newborn. "Bella, you had the baby?"

"Thank you Captain Obvious," she replied with a yawn.

Snape gasped. "It's a girl!" he shrieked. He pulled Rudolphus into a bone-crushing hug. Suddenly, he pulled away. "Can I hold her?"

"Hey, hey," Bellatrix piped up. "I haven't even got to hold the little demon."

Voldie reluctantly placed the baby into Bellatrix's open arms. Snape crawled into bed, and used his pinkie to hold onto her hand. Bellatrix glanced over at him. "Meet your daughter, Ariadne."

"Ariadne," he smiled. "She's so adorable."

_Sniff. _

"My Lord, are you crying!?"

"NO, IT'S JUST MY ALLERGIES," he cried, running from the room.

"Oh little one," Bellatrix cooed. "You will be the _very best _replacement for the Dark Lord while he enjoys his retirement. Oh yes. You have a lot to live up to, little girl."

Snape laughed. "Yes, yes you do," he looked over at Bellatrix, then down at Ariadne, grabbing both their hands. "We're a family now."

Bellatrix burst into laughter, not looking away from her daughter. "No, Snape," she cooed. "We're definitely _not_ family."


	12. Epilogue

**Bellatrix (and Snape's) Sort-Of Worst Nightmare**

_Chapter 11: _Epilogue

* * *

_TWO WEEKS LATER_

* * *

"Ariadne!?"

"Coming, Mum," the fifteen-year-old cried, running the staircase. Bellatrix glanced over at her daughter. A silver hairbrush combed out the rugged tangles from wild mane of black hair, as piercing green eyes stared out into the dining room.

"First day at Hogwarts," Bellatrix grinned. "Excited?"

Ariadne shrugged. "I don't know."

Bellatrix raised an eyebrow.

"It's _just_ school."

"_Tsk tsk, _the Death Munchers will have you properly trained in no time. Much more than Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry could ever even begin to teach you," Bellatrix said certainly.

"Then why bother?"

Bellatrix rolled her eyes. "We've been over this already. This is about Harry Potter. You are about Harry Potter."

"What's so bad about this Harry dude, anyw—"

"DEMON!" Bellatrix gasped. "You cannot question something as simplistic as that. You must hate Harry Potter. At all costs, Ariadne, do you understand me?"

"Yes, yes," Ariadne sighed.

"Now, have a good term, I'll see you at Christmas," Bellatrix waved her off. "Your father will accompany you to the King's Cross. And remember," she said seriously, wrapping her arms around the teen. "You are to make Harry's life a _living hell._"

"I will, Mum. I promise."

* * *

**Wow. **

**I never thought I'd see the day when this actually got completed. But it happened... after 881 days of procrastinating. Yeah... I counted. **

**Thank you everyone who bared with me through this. **

**I hope you know I really appreciate every single one of you. **

**:D **

**I have a sequel in my mind... but knowing me, that could take ages. Maybe you'll see the chronicles of Ariadne's life... Maybe not. **

**Anyways... again. Thank you. :)**

**Hope you enjoyed!**


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